This dream fucked me up nice and good.

Heylo bitchachos, do you ever not love yourself so hard and then have a dream that resonates to your very core and just makes so much sense and then you're all like, 'Thanks bby Jesus for the solid, I owe u!'

I had thought about that before I went to bed, I went into a sort of lucid dream/meditation state. I can't clearly say which. Is there really a difference? More on that in the next life.

I'll often look at my wonderfully catastrophic, artful, spontaneous life and wish I was plainer, neater, smaller, more a e s t h e t i c. My bedroom is a wonderful example. Sometimes I wonder if I would be better, efficient, motivated and loved more if my bedroom had a more minimalist and neutral pinteresty plain feel to it?

But I simply can't bring myself to throw out the feather boa's dangling from my light (which were actually kind of a hazard when I was alone, tipsy, burning a giant neon sparkler at 5am last Saturday.) I also don't think I could bare to eliminate either the flamingo or the disco ball fairy lights because let's face it, both of those things are outrageously whimsical. What would I do without my framed tattoo sketches I bought at that Op Shop when I was 18? Or my Kurt Cobain art? Or the piles of Rock n Roll autobiographies and tarot cards next to my bed? 

I'm not proud of that small part of me that wants to tone myself down. In fact, I'm ashamed of the very notion. But shame never got me anywhere so let's just live with it, okay homie?

Not that it's cluttered, when I tidy, it looks clean, neat and organised and my dissatisfaction only comes from some deep seated little seeds of hatred of myself. Sometimes, I feel like these things inspire me. Sometimes I wonder if I need a plain space to create and these things keep me stagnant (but fuck that noize, surround yourself with art and beauty.)

Anyway, the dream:

I was in what looked like an art class. But I was in a plain white room. There was a semi-circle of people around me, each evenly spaced from each other, painting. They all had the same or similar sized and shaped canvasses. Their paintings were different, however they were all using different shades of white to paint, some whites had a slightly grey or pink tinge. Like this.

And then it was as if I zoomed out in third person on the full room to reveal me, at what would be the base of the semi-circle. 

I had an enormous canvas with an extravagant smattering of colors splayed across it like fireworks and a palette full of vibrant paints.

But I was sat before my canvas crying, absolutely balling my eyes out because I couldn't do what everyone else was doing.

That dream was probably pretty self explanatory.

Live big, doll face.

From my Trash Luxe shoot w/ Treanda Seaburn...

Makeup : Treanda Seaburn Makeup

Jewellery : @messymeow.create on IG

Oi, here's some linkz n shit if you wanna see what else I'm up to heyyy.

Youtube! Saatana

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Twitter! @therealsaatana

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-Saatana Lee Rose xo

Btw your sugar daddy dedicated his autobiography to me.