How To Love When You Don't Know How To Love.

That title tho, jarring af. Love is such a fucking weird concept, but we can barely draw on it now, so that's for another time. What we're talking about is our personal experience in love and relationships or something like it after our heart has been pulverized. Our trust has been exploited and heavily manipulated from birth to pretty much now. How are we even meant to function after that?

We breathe shallow, look sideways and we never know which way is up. But what if we never knew love without conditions? Manipulation? Guilt? Pain? So much pain.

Well, we do. Our friends have offered us nothing but unconditional love in even the hardest times, when they couldn't understand. When we're at our most difficult, when we shut them out, when we snap, and boii, do we snap pretty fiercely.

But sometimes our friends just don't cut it.

They're perfect, but they just don't undo years of psychological trauma or trigger you in the same way romantic relationships do.

I think for the longest time we settled for the bare minimum because we didn't feel like we deserved any better, we put up with the most demeaning piss-take relationships. We swallowed lies, we took punches, we were taken advantage of in some of the worst, most demeaning ways and then we blamed ourselves for mistreatment. We still do sometimes.

If these things keep happening to us, who's the common denominator? It's us. It must be us. It's time to pack up what's left of our hearts and start again. Next time, we'll be better.

We'd often been told to spend time on our own. Really get to know ourselves before we become apart of someone elses life. Their blind advice couldn't be any more fucking irrelevent. You can't just learn this shit on your own.

In fact, when we were alone, we were the happiest we could have been. Life was grand, we were thriving. It's not until a relationship creeps up on us that our lives turned upside down, we questioned everything we knew and rode the rollercoaster out not really knowing where this would lead us. Not knowing how to set boundaries and accepting that the bare minimum was probably still too good for us. It lead to inevitable heartbreak, guilt and self punishment.

But we learnt, we slowly learnt.

We started seeing people, seeing a lot of people. Going on a lot of dates. Our psychologist encouraged going on a lot of dates, to learn how to set boundaries, to figure out what we wanted. That this rapid fire and sifting would be good for us... And it was. And it hurt. And it was confusing. And we learnt. We learnt and it was worth it.

She said we're very mature for our age and quite exceptional, but we're emotionally immature with relationship blind spots. This put us in an interesting position. That we'd probably have to do a lot of sifting to find someone with good intentions who was just as exceptional and a little closer to our age so we weren't as vulnerable.

More lessons, more rollercoasters and in the end we met them in the most serendipitous way it was if it had been orchestrated by the angels themselves. Perfect, standing there, waiting envelop us in pure love and adventure.

But there were still questions and there were still loose ends... Next week.

Here's some less personal but just as revealing content!

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Stay bright, keep your shoes tight, your titties firm and your dicks in place. I'll find you when I need you sparkle kitten.

-Saatana Lee Rose xoxo