#Labyrinth.
Not to say that these things haven't helped immensely, I just think it takes more love and time and process. Obviously. Just like anything else worthwhile.
I'm not entirely sure where this is going. Let's just bloody roll with it shall we?
I'm also not entirely sure why I'm writing about this either. Maybe it's so you don't feel as alone on your personal endeavors and battles against the mythical beast. It could also be just a healthy release of oversharing on the internet. Lawd knows I do a lot of that. Links below.
Come to think of it, all of my creative endeavors are my Personal Jesus.
And I really wish it was something I just had to overcome. Like, I went to that first audition and it was as if the heavens opened up before me and in the most magical way I was never scared to audition for anything again.
No.
That's not the case and the path is not a straight goddamn line and my LIFE IS A FUCKING ROLLERCOASTER EXCEPT I'M BLINDFOLDED AND DON'T KNOW WHETHER THE EXHILARATION AND ENJOYMENT EXCEEDS THE SHEER TERROR AND PANIC OF MY MERE EXISTANCE AND EVERY CHOICE I MAKE INFLUENCES THE DIRECTION OF THE RIDE AND IT WOULD BE EASIER TO JUST SIT BACK AND TRUST THE UNIVERSAL PULL AND NOT CARE BUT I CARE AND I SCARE MYSELF. SO. MUCH.
Atleast that's just how it feels sometimes. And what about stagnancy? Stagnancy is a fucking demon. A relentless beAST hellbent of tearing enormous shards off my soul and then screeching into the abyss IT created.
I guess I just thought it would be some grand event I'd overcome and that would be the end of it. Or maybe I would just pickup some momentum and not feel my feels.
Again, no.
I'm coming to accept myself as a person who picks up enormous momentum and moves mountains and triumphs doubt for days, weeks and even months. Then slows, grows potentially stagnant, depressed, messy, frayed at every end and doomed for however long that will last. Then there's lots of little ups and downs within that which can be nice.
I don't want these periods and episodes to represent dark periods in my life anymore. I feel like a lot to do with the negativity is me rejecting it. Is comparing myself to others. Is wishing I could maintain a perfectly consistent line of progress.
I often think of these times when I compare myself to others. Appreciating and admiring their manicured, minimalist lifestyles. An effortless stream of progress and sanity. Even the creative types.
Sure, it can be delightful to romanticize creative madness. From a distance it makes my heart swell and soar. But have you lived it? When you feel the smallest niggling feeling, where'd it come from? Why's it here? What's it going to lead to? Why do I feel so numb? Then a single thought sparks dynamite in your soul and a single buried memory turns into pages poetry and possibly 4 songs, but you're left heaving on the bathroom floor at an ungodly hour with hot tears streaming endlessly down your face and more memories to lock away carefully in the darkest folds of your heart. Honestly.
Back to stagnancy? Or have we unlocked a creative whirlwind? Both? Neither? Let's see.
Of course that's where you find the best bits and if you're like me, that's the best therapy.
Sometimes it feels like my only purpose.
The torture, the pain, the unanswered questions knocking on my door at the weird hour are for the that.
They're key influence in creating and manifesting brilliance. But they don't serve me when I have that interview the next morning and I hadn't slept. They don't serve me when I can't talk to anyone and the people closest to me feel rejected and shut out because I can barely put my feelings into a single thought let alone a string of words. They don't serve me when life calls.
But they do serve me.
For now, I want to accept the dark parts, the slow hours and dance with my little devils. I know they're harmless and I know the most harmful part of myself the punishment for not doing better, feeling better, acting better, being better.
Maybe if I can accept it. The stagnancy will be a period of regeneration and growth. I'm bound to feel depressed and crazy anxious at some point. We all are. But I don't think it has to be the focus anymore.
I just found an image that has given me so much resolve. Maybe it can do the same for you. Not much is worse than smashing your head against a wall with a single thought repeating, 'I thought I'd already learnt this? Why does this keep happening?' Be gentle with yourself, stuffs just fine.
For more oversharing, see below.
Youtube! Saatana
Facebook! Saatana Lee Rose
Twitter! @therealsaatana
Instagram! @saatanaleerose
Snapchat! bigtittys666
Stay bright baby cakes, I miss you, I love you.
You'll see more soon.
Saatana Lee Rose xxooxxxox
No.
That's not the case and the path is not a straight goddamn line and my LIFE IS A FUCKING ROLLERCOASTER EXCEPT I'M BLINDFOLDED AND DON'T KNOW WHETHER THE EXHILARATION AND ENJOYMENT EXCEEDS THE SHEER TERROR AND PANIC OF MY MERE EXISTANCE AND EVERY CHOICE I MAKE INFLUENCES THE DIRECTION OF THE RIDE AND IT WOULD BE EASIER TO JUST SIT BACK AND TRUST THE UNIVERSAL PULL AND NOT CARE BUT I CARE AND I SCARE MYSELF. SO. MUCH.
Atleast that's just how it feels sometimes. And what about stagnancy? Stagnancy is a fucking demon. A relentless beAST hellbent of tearing enormous shards off my soul and then screeching into the abyss IT created.
I guess I just thought it would be some grand event I'd overcome and that would be the end of it. Or maybe I would just pickup some momentum and not feel my feels.
Again, no.
I'm coming to accept myself as a person who picks up enormous momentum and moves mountains and triumphs doubt for days, weeks and even months. Then slows, grows potentially stagnant, depressed, messy, frayed at every end and doomed for however long that will last. Then there's lots of little ups and downs within that which can be nice.
I don't want these periods and episodes to represent dark periods in my life anymore. I feel like a lot to do with the negativity is me rejecting it. Is comparing myself to others. Is wishing I could maintain a perfectly consistent line of progress.
I often think of these times when I compare myself to others. Appreciating and admiring their manicured, minimalist lifestyles. An effortless stream of progress and sanity. Even the creative types.
Sure, it can be delightful to romanticize creative madness. From a distance it makes my heart swell and soar. But have you lived it? When you feel the smallest niggling feeling, where'd it come from? Why's it here? What's it going to lead to? Why do I feel so numb? Then a single thought sparks dynamite in your soul and a single buried memory turns into pages poetry and possibly 4 songs, but you're left heaving on the bathroom floor at an ungodly hour with hot tears streaming endlessly down your face and more memories to lock away carefully in the darkest folds of your heart. Honestly.
Back to stagnancy? Or have we unlocked a creative whirlwind? Both? Neither? Let's see.
Of course that's where you find the best bits and if you're like me, that's the best therapy.
Sometimes it feels like my only purpose.
The torture, the pain, the unanswered questions knocking on my door at the weird hour are for the that.
They're key influence in creating and manifesting brilliance. But they don't serve me when I have that interview the next morning and I hadn't slept. They don't serve me when I can't talk to anyone and the people closest to me feel rejected and shut out because I can barely put my feelings into a single thought let alone a string of words. They don't serve me when life calls.
But they do serve me.
For now, I want to accept the dark parts, the slow hours and dance with my little devils. I know they're harmless and I know the most harmful part of myself the punishment for not doing better, feeling better, acting better, being better.
Maybe if I can accept it. The stagnancy will be a period of regeneration and growth. I'm bound to feel depressed and crazy anxious at some point. We all are. But I don't think it has to be the focus anymore.
I just found an image that has given me so much resolve. Maybe it can do the same for you. Not much is worse than smashing your head against a wall with a single thought repeating, 'I thought I'd already learnt this? Why does this keep happening?' Be gentle with yourself, stuffs just fine.
For more oversharing, see below.
Youtube! Saatana
Facebook! Saatana Lee Rose
Twitter! @therealsaatana
Instagram! @saatanaleerose
Snapchat! bigtittys666
Stay bright baby cakes, I miss you, I love you.
You'll see more soon.
Saatana Lee Rose xxooxxxox
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