I stopped hating myself. How?

Hello Sun bebe. How's thangs? how's life? how's thangs? You want an update? Imma give you an update. All aboard the self help train! Because that shit is dope.

You know what I find so incredibly odd? When people will brag about pulling ridiculous hours at work on minimal sleep. Would you like a medal for not respecting your body? Or when people will almost brag about how long it's been since they've had a social life because they have been working almost non-stop for the passed month and a half? CONGRATULATIONS! You haven't been able to maintain a proper work/life balance which is extremely unhealthy and detrimental to long term productivity, what the fuck's up?!

What about those who were struggling with their mental illness, but still able to 'get shit done?' and 'just push through it.' Sometimes, I feel like you can still move on with your life whilst embarking on a journey toward healing and wellness. But there is a difference between perseverance just sinking deeper and deeper into your mental unrest under the guise you are overcoming it. These scenarios are found in all scenes and not just the workplace. You see it with study, with partying, people pleasing, parenting, bloody everything mate.

I just don't know why this culture self abuse is so celebrated? It's nurturing a society of people who are unable to show themselves the slightest bit of compassion and kindness. It's funny, because when I began my own healing, one of the first things I had to do what look into a mirror and tell myself, 'I love you' and then evaluate how that made me feel and my personal reaction.

So simple. The first time I did it, all I could think of was how unconvincing I was and how I couldn't feel anything good or bad? I scolded myself for not having a stronger reaction and for being too good of an actress, being able to tell myself, 'I love you' too convincingly without actually feeling it. I was mad at my lack of reaction as well, that I might have been disconnecting, but I couldn't be sure and that indecisiveness made me mad as well as the fact that I didn't feel like I could trust myself. Why the hell can't I trust myself? What kind of person am I? Am I even I person? What am I doing here? I should die.

Such a tiny little activity was able to tell me so much. It didn't dawn on me until much later that my reaction to the mirror exercise was criticism! Literally all of those thoughts could be deduced to me being overly critical of myself! I felt elated as I continued on my little healing quest, I was able to discover that the thoughts I think now were just adopted from my parents shit and how to move through that etc. Read 'You Can Heal Your Life' by Louise L Hay for a zesty hands on approach to your own healing. For real, I've been able to deal with soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much through reading this + my life is 120000% better. I started losing weight, I started making more money, I improved my living circumstances dramatically, moved through childhood trauma, an eating disorder, anxiety, depression, ADHD and removed SO MANY of my creative blocks and SO MANY more things that are personal AF, but lets be real, I'll probs dish on all that on youtube or this blog sometime soon. Shit's like $10 on Amazon.

Another thing, I was reading 'The Power Of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. Haven't finished it yet, but when I was reading about staying present and the activity involves you basically listening to the voice in your head, your own mental chatter.

The second I did this, the craziest shit ever happened... The voice just stopped.

Then I became pissy. Well if the voice has stopped now, what the fuck am I supposed to be listening to? This went on for a couple of days until I read the next chapter which said the voice is meant to stop and you're meant to find inner peace...Oh shit whaddup.

There was never a need to be so abrasive. I'm finding that day by day I do not need to be harsh with myself. There is no need for such excessive seriousness. Which is weird for me to say because everything is kind of a joke to me, but there's also the pendulum swing or the coin flip where I had been so severe and chastising with myself and my actions.

I used to be a lil bit scared of this whole gentle self love biz. What if I fall into complacency? How will I get anything done?

Then I remembered teachers I had from high school and the ones who were the most loving, kind and gentle really got the best out of everyone, same with bosses, managers, parents, the whole bundle.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is there is no need to hate yourself. Absolutely no need for self criticism and for self punishment. Because at the end of the day whatever happens, happens regardless of how you think or feel about yourself so you may as well make it worth your while? The baby amount of approval you get from your peers is not worth the long term self hatred, suffering and punishment you're giving yourself. It's not helping you and you're fucking your work in the long run.

In the sake of keeping things authentic, do you know how much self loathing i experienced while writing this? I feel like it's not funny, unhelpful and shit. But I just need to do my thing and trust it's what needs to be written right now because I'm rad and if I was any kind of food, I would be gravy because I'm the literal fucking best and so are you.

I feel like I've only really skimmed the surface of my own experiences and all of my thoughts on this. But yolo.

I've also started a vlog channel if you wanted to sus that out and see how my New Years went because you care about me and my schenanigans. That's right, spellin' it with a 'sch' now. Git used to eht.

Also some of my socials!

Youtube! Saatana

Facebook! Saatana Lee Rose

Twitter! @therealsaatana

Instagram! @saatanaleerose

Snapchat! bigtittys666


-Saatana Lee Rose xoxooxx Keep it real, schnit tits.