How To Love When You Don't Know How To Love.

That title tho, jarring af. Love is such a fucking weird concept, but we can barely draw on it now, so that's for another time. What we're talking about is our personal experience in love and relationships or something like it after our heart has been pulverized. Our trust has been exploited and heavily manipulated from birth to pretty much now. How are we even meant to function after that?

We breathe shallow, look sideways and we never know which way is up. But what if we never knew love without conditions? Manipulation? Guilt? Pain? So much pain.

Well, we do. Our friends have offered us nothing but unconditional love in even the hardest times, when they couldn't understand. When we're at our most difficult, when we shut them out, when we snap, and boii, do we snap pretty fiercely.

But sometimes our friends just don't cut it.

They're perfect, but they just don't undo years of psychological trauma or trigger you in the same way romantic relationships do.

I think for the longest time we settled for the bare minimum because we didn't feel like we deserved any better, we put up with the most demeaning piss-take relationships. We swallowed lies, we took punches, we were taken advantage of in some of the worst, most demeaning ways and then we blamed ourselves for mistreatment. We still do sometimes.

If these things keep happening to us, who's the common denominator? It's us. It must be us. It's time to pack up what's left of our hearts and start again. Next time, we'll be better.

We'd often been told to spend time on our own. Really get to know ourselves before we become apart of someone elses life. Their blind advice couldn't be any more fucking irrelevent. You can't just learn this shit on your own.

In fact, when we were alone, we were the happiest we could have been. Life was grand, we were thriving. It's not until a relationship creeps up on us that our lives turned upside down, we questioned everything we knew and rode the rollercoaster out not really knowing where this would lead us. Not knowing how to set boundaries and accepting that the bare minimum was probably still too good for us. It lead to inevitable heartbreak, guilt and self punishment.

But we learnt, we slowly learnt.

We started seeing people, seeing a lot of people. Going on a lot of dates. Our psychologist encouraged going on a lot of dates, to learn how to set boundaries, to figure out what we wanted. That this rapid fire and sifting would be good for us... And it was. And it hurt. And it was confusing. And we learnt. We learnt and it was worth it.

She said we're very mature for our age and quite exceptional, but we're emotionally immature with relationship blind spots. This put us in an interesting position. That we'd probably have to do a lot of sifting to find someone with good intentions who was just as exceptional and a little closer to our age so we weren't as vulnerable.

More lessons, more rollercoasters and in the end we met them in the most serendipitous way it was if it had been orchestrated by the angels themselves. Perfect, standing there, waiting envelop us in pure love and adventure.

But there were still questions and there were still loose ends... Next week.

Here's some less personal but just as revealing content!

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Stay bright, keep your shoes tight, your titties firm and your dicks in place. I'll find you when I need you sparkle kitten.

-Saatana Lee Rose xoxo

This dream fucked me up nice and good.

Heylo bitchachos, do you ever not love yourself so hard and then have a dream that resonates to your very core and just makes so much sense and then you're all like, 'Thanks bby Jesus for the solid, I owe u!'

I had thought about that before I went to bed, I went into a sort of lucid dream/meditation state. I can't clearly say which. Is there really a difference? More on that in the next life.

I'll often look at my wonderfully catastrophic, artful, spontaneous life and wish I was plainer, neater, smaller, more a e s t h e t i c. My bedroom is a wonderful example. Sometimes I wonder if I would be better, efficient, motivated and loved more if my bedroom had a more minimalist and neutral pinteresty plain feel to it?

But I simply can't bring myself to throw out the feather boa's dangling from my light (which were actually kind of a hazard when I was alone, tipsy, burning a giant neon sparkler at 5am last Saturday.) I also don't think I could bare to eliminate either the flamingo or the disco ball fairy lights because let's face it, both of those things are outrageously whimsical. What would I do without my framed tattoo sketches I bought at that Op Shop when I was 18? Or my Kurt Cobain art? Or the piles of Rock n Roll autobiographies and tarot cards next to my bed? 

I'm not proud of that small part of me that wants to tone myself down. In fact, I'm ashamed of the very notion. But shame never got me anywhere so let's just live with it, okay homie?

Not that it's cluttered, when I tidy, it looks clean, neat and organised and my dissatisfaction only comes from some deep seated little seeds of hatred of myself. Sometimes, I feel like these things inspire me. Sometimes I wonder if I need a plain space to create and these things keep me stagnant (but fuck that noize, surround yourself with art and beauty.)

Anyway, the dream:

I was in what looked like an art class. But I was in a plain white room. There was a semi-circle of people around me, each evenly spaced from each other, painting. They all had the same or similar sized and shaped canvasses. Their paintings were different, however they were all using different shades of white to paint, some whites had a slightly grey or pink tinge. Like this.

And then it was as if I zoomed out in third person on the full room to reveal me, at what would be the base of the semi-circle. 

I had an enormous canvas with an extravagant smattering of colors splayed across it like fireworks and a palette full of vibrant paints.

But I was sat before my canvas crying, absolutely balling my eyes out because I couldn't do what everyone else was doing.

That dream was probably pretty self explanatory.

Live big, doll face.

From my Trash Luxe shoot w/ Treanda Seaburn...

Makeup : Treanda Seaburn Makeup

Jewellery : @messymeow.create on IG

Oi, here's some linkz n shit if you wanna see what else I'm up to heyyy.

Youtube! Saatana

Facebook! Saatana Lee Rose

Twitter! @therealsaatana

Instagram! @saatanaleerose

Snapchat! bigtittys666

-Saatana Lee Rose xo

Btw your sugar daddy dedicated his autobiography to me.