I stopped hating myself. How?

Hello Sun bebe. How's thangs? how's life? how's thangs? You want an update? Imma give you an update. All aboard the self help train! Because that shit is dope.

You know what I find so incredibly odd? When people will brag about pulling ridiculous hours at work on minimal sleep. Would you like a medal for not respecting your body? Or when people will almost brag about how long it's been since they've had a social life because they have been working almost non-stop for the passed month and a half? CONGRATULATIONS! You haven't been able to maintain a proper work/life balance which is extremely unhealthy and detrimental to long term productivity, what the fuck's up?!

What about those who were struggling with their mental illness, but still able to 'get shit done?' and 'just push through it.' Sometimes, I feel like you can still move on with your life whilst embarking on a journey toward healing and wellness. But there is a difference between perseverance just sinking deeper and deeper into your mental unrest under the guise you are overcoming it. These scenarios are found in all scenes and not just the workplace. You see it with study, with partying, people pleasing, parenting, bloody everything mate.

I just don't know why this culture self abuse is so celebrated? It's nurturing a society of people who are unable to show themselves the slightest bit of compassion and kindness. It's funny, because when I began my own healing, one of the first things I had to do what look into a mirror and tell myself, 'I love you' and then evaluate how that made me feel and my personal reaction.

So simple. The first time I did it, all I could think of was how unconvincing I was and how I couldn't feel anything good or bad? I scolded myself for not having a stronger reaction and for being too good of an actress, being able to tell myself, 'I love you' too convincingly without actually feeling it. I was mad at my lack of reaction as well, that I might have been disconnecting, but I couldn't be sure and that indecisiveness made me mad as well as the fact that I didn't feel like I could trust myself. Why the hell can't I trust myself? What kind of person am I? Am I even I person? What am I doing here? I should die.

Such a tiny little activity was able to tell me so much. It didn't dawn on me until much later that my reaction to the mirror exercise was criticism! Literally all of those thoughts could be deduced to me being overly critical of myself! I felt elated as I continued on my little healing quest, I was able to discover that the thoughts I think now were just adopted from my parents shit and how to move through that etc. Read 'You Can Heal Your Life' by Louise L Hay for a zesty hands on approach to your own healing. For real, I've been able to deal with soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much through reading this + my life is 120000% better. I started losing weight, I started making more money, I improved my living circumstances dramatically, moved through childhood trauma, an eating disorder, anxiety, depression, ADHD and removed SO MANY of my creative blocks and SO MANY more things that are personal AF, but lets be real, I'll probs dish on all that on youtube or this blog sometime soon. Shit's like $10 on Amazon.

Another thing, I was reading 'The Power Of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. Haven't finished it yet, but when I was reading about staying present and the activity involves you basically listening to the voice in your head, your own mental chatter.

The second I did this, the craziest shit ever happened... The voice just stopped.

Then I became pissy. Well if the voice has stopped now, what the fuck am I supposed to be listening to? This went on for a couple of days until I read the next chapter which said the voice is meant to stop and you're meant to find inner peace...Oh shit whaddup.

There was never a need to be so abrasive. I'm finding that day by day I do not need to be harsh with myself. There is no need for such excessive seriousness. Which is weird for me to say because everything is kind of a joke to me, but there's also the pendulum swing or the coin flip where I had been so severe and chastising with myself and my actions.

I used to be a lil bit scared of this whole gentle self love biz. What if I fall into complacency? How will I get anything done?

Then I remembered teachers I had from high school and the ones who were the most loving, kind and gentle really got the best out of everyone, same with bosses, managers, parents, the whole bundle.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is there is no need to hate yourself. Absolutely no need for self criticism and for self punishment. Because at the end of the day whatever happens, happens regardless of how you think or feel about yourself so you may as well make it worth your while? The baby amount of approval you get from your peers is not worth the long term self hatred, suffering and punishment you're giving yourself. It's not helping you and you're fucking your work in the long run.

In the sake of keeping things authentic, do you know how much self loathing i experienced while writing this? I feel like it's not funny, unhelpful and shit. But I just need to do my thing and trust it's what needs to be written right now because I'm rad and if I was any kind of food, I would be gravy because I'm the literal fucking best and so are you.

I feel like I've only really skimmed the surface of my own experiences and all of my thoughts on this. But yolo.

I've also started a vlog channel if you wanted to sus that out and see how my New Years went because you care about me and my schenanigans. That's right, spellin' it with a 'sch' now. Git used to eht.

Also some of my socials!

Youtube! Saatana

Facebook! Saatana Lee Rose

Twitter! @therealsaatana

Instagram! @saatanaleerose

Snapchat! bigtittys666


-Saatana Lee Rose xoxooxx Keep it real, schnit tits.

Enlightened AF.

I'll start from the start and the truth is that I was exhausted. Working as crew, lugging around heavy equipment and waiting around in the sweltering Northern Territory sun for the passed few of days for my fellow students had taken it's toll on me mentally and physically. Given that I had also been up for the majority of the previous night writing, I awoke the next morning burnt and moderately disgruntled. But I staggered my way through the hot, heavy weather to meet with my crew.

Today I was a director and the filming of my assessment piece was upon us and although I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder about the fact that I had been given about a quarter of the time to shoot my assessment piece (like, what the fuck?) I was excited and rose to the occasion.

As I began to check the equipment, it was hard to ignore the fact that one of my actors/crew members had failed to show. Ten minutes turned into twenty minutes and twenty minutes turned into half an hour. My patience had dissolved and our schedule was tighter than a nun. To say I was pissed off was an understatement. I raced to his dorm room and he agreed to meet me at the lecture room in ten minutes.

He failed to show.

At this point I feel it's important to note that I am really not always this ill tempered. Sometimes my fuse is short and my temperament is wild. Majority of the time, everything feels like a sort of game and life is somewhat fun and overflowing with whimsy.

Actually it's always at either of the two extremes. Rarely in between. But that's for another blog post. Love it or leave it, San Diego (Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm Ron Burgundy.)

Anywho, surprise, surprise, my piece o' shit friend never showed and I retreated to the bathroom to chill the fuck out. I splashed my face a couple of times in the mirror and gave myself a pep talk so miserable and self pitying that I'll need at least 17 sessions in therapy to forget how petty it was. Then, it came to me. A quote that I'd come across multiple times in my life on facebook or whathaveyou but had never utilised out in the wild...Something had clicked.

I think maybe Bruce Lee said it. But who could be sure?

'Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked while the bamboo or willow survives by bending in the wind.'



The odds were against me and I think by this point I had well and truly lowkey lost my patience. I was trying not to openly blame people for what was happening. After all, I am still a firm believer in taking responsibility for everything that happens in life. Simply because when you blame people you're literally giving them power over your life. Ain't nobody got time fo' dat [sorry...(Notsorry)] To calm down and adjust to the circumstance seemed like the best option. I gave thanks for the people that had showed to help me and decided to film a badass royalty free KPOP video instead. My love for KPOP and Korean culture in general is undying.

It got experimental to say the least.

Point is, I remembered a quote. It came in useful. I could choose to blame other people and stay pissy and ditch my project altogether. Instead I decided it would be more useful to calm down and make the most out of the situation.

Lesson learnt... bend with the wind bitches,

If you want to keep up with my glorious and majestic life, here's some links!

Youtube! Saatana

Facebook! Saatana Lee Rose

Twitter! @therealsaatana

Instagram! @saatanaleerose

Snapchat! bigtittys666

Love & Light & Starshine & Petals & Kicking life's ass (but in a good way.) xo
-Saatana Lee Rose, bitch whaaaat?