But what I have been brought here to tell you today is not whether or not you should be vaccinating your children, nor the strange lack of all the good flavours of skittles and most assorted candy. I'm here to expose something rather ugly. To rip this monster out of the shadows and shame him where he stands. Who is this daft fiend? This Heinous villian? We've all know him and most people are still rather well acquainted with the doubt monster. Hiding in the back of your mind. Discouraging you from reaching for the stars, embracing your true power and coming into your own.
Doubt can manifest in many ways, particularly when it has been taught from a young age and you've been conditioned to doubt yourself. Right now my doubt has come from a series of changes I've undergone and feel doomed to repeat unless I grow a pussy and learn to embrace this new direction, make some decisions and stick to them. Shouldn't be that hard, right? So why do I feel like I'm in this endless limbo between about to make a decision and being sick to the stomach to make it in case it's wrong/not the absolute best I could be making, but not sure what the absolute best could be/fear that I won' be good enough.
Well for anyone else experiencing this, all I have to say really is What are you so scared of? After you gone through the exhaustive mental list of the why you aren't good enough it helps a bit to respond with fuck it and What do I feel like right now? Like right this second in your current circumstances (or in ideal circumstances, what can't be overcome?) what do you want more than anything? I feel like that can be easiest. All the unnecessary falls to the side and the truth can be seen with crystal clarity. Personally, I try to be true no matter what the cost. Sometimes our vision get a little clouded.
Just now I had been on the phone to a trusted friend whom I confided in to express the doubt clouding my vision. One, of which was my ability as a medium. Shortly after the conversation, I had the opportunity to give some guidance to a woman through a sort of mini reading online and I was absolutely dead on, with the few pieces of info and guidance I had to offer and I almost didn't do it due to my own self doubt and restrictions I had been imposing on myself. Maybe this post will be far more significant that a string of words on a single blog, within an eternity of content that is the internet, maybe this can be the first formal agreement with myself, with the readers self, to no longer let the monster doubt cast a shadow on the life you've been blessed with.
I would tell myself that I'd continue to build my alternative modelling portfolio and burlesque dancing once I lost lost some more weight, that I'm not good enough to do tarot card readings professionally, that I'm generally not talented enough to write or continue my blog and that I should cancel my plans to move to L.A. because people are trying to dim my light thinking it'll make theirs shine brighter. Fuck that, no more.
I've always been so sure of myself and rarely dignified negative comments from others by allowing it to fill up my thought space, so why now? Just because I decided I didn't want to be a scientist and now seeking the life of an entertainer, performance artist and writer? Leave the sociopaths to their lonely, crippled mentality; We are now free!
Quick! run, scheme, believe, have faith. I've got my eye on you (Not really, I trust that you can effectively fulfill your hopes and dreams without a merciless tyrant keeping watch.)
Thanks for listening, stay tuned and be humble my pretty starbabies. XxXx
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