Behind the Screen.

Recent

Who is this chica? Why is she writing these absurd, insightful and insignificant blog posts you may ask? Well let me sort of tell you and also apologize for previous abhorrent spelling mistakes and some absolutely inexcusable grammatical errors. You see I write most of these late at night and in order to avoid anxiety-related procrastination of actually posting (So I will go ahead and fix all of those filthy errors right up... And also probably make way more in this post.)

Now, back to business. I'm just a wild little lady who loves living and also the internet (like holy shit, I fucking love the internet.) I do this by giving up what no longer serves me, seeking my highest potential and greatest power but also somehow manage to live by swinging from one existential crisis to the next while simultaneously not ever giving a single fuck about anything or anyone but also caring way to deeply for my fellow human and experiencing crippling anxiety. It's confusing, erratic, wildly inconsistent, magnificently rewarding and I'm here to document it.

I think a bit about me is long overdue, I spend my time jetting between a tiny rural town in the Northern Territory for film school and living in the most vibrant city in Australia- Melbourne. During my home time in this beautiful city I have been attending as many gigs as my body will permit, and I'll start posting about them so prepare your mind for that.

Body modification, another of my passions, In my life I have had countless piercings, stretched many of those tight little holes (heh) and don't plan on stopping any time soon. I used to get a lot of anon questions on tumblr regarding piercings and am currently a member of the Church Of Body Modification. Hook suspension is another thing I've had a long term interest in, as well as tattoos. I find a lot of people are surprised to discover that I don't have any tattoos and there's a stupid little story behind it, maybe I'll definitely post about it some time. Maybe when I run out of ideas. Maybe that's now. Maybe it's not. Maybe you don't know me. Maybe you don't know what I've been through. Maybe I don't need your judgemental face imposing on my fabulous life. Maybe I do. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe stop now.

Plans for tattooing have been stunted due to commitment and some rediculous anxiety dreams regarding fucked up tattoos and regret- I don't even believe in regret, how could this be?! Maybe, just maybe I should have gone through with those home job sugar skulls on my feet when I was fifteen. But OOOHHH WAIT, THEY BECAME REALLY POPULAR A FEW YEARS AFTER and I hate to be that 'I liked it before it was cool' person. But maybe that's who I really am. Secrets out, I like to think I'm authentic.

I'm also a burlesque dancer, currently looking to put together a show in Melbourne and move to LA some time around 2017. Fiercefiercefierce.

 I've noticed more of a following with this blog, so I guess I better start doing shit. Doing more shit. Doing better shit. Creating a better world one piece of content at a time. But I guess we'll just have to wait until I have a decent camera before I can display some quality pictures of my adventures and vlogs.

You are more than welcome to come along for the ride if you can relate to this on a deeply spiritual level, wish to study me in the name of science or all of the above, come on it will be fun!

Doubt Monster

I'll admit it... I've been stagnate and not for the reasons you may think. Okay, maybe I have been  Not sure about the big hiatus, it's taken a toll and I know you've all missed me. In all honesty I have missed you too. I miss this. Just what we have going on here, you know? It just feels so right.

But what I have been brought here to tell you today is not whether or not you should be vaccinating your children, nor the strange lack of all the good flavours of skittles and most assorted candy. I'm here to expose something rather ugly. To rip this monster out of the shadows and shame him where he stands. Who is this daft fiend? This Heinous villian? We've all know him and most people are still rather well acquainted with the doubt monster. Hiding in the back of your mind. Discouraging you from reaching for the stars, embracing your true power and coming into your own.

Doubt can manifest in many ways, particularly when it has been taught from a young age and you've been conditioned to doubt yourself. Right now my doubt has come from a series of changes I've undergone and feel doomed to repeat unless I grow a pussy and learn to embrace this new direction, make some decisions and stick to them. Shouldn't be that hard, right? So why do I feel like I'm in this endless limbo between about to make a decision and being sick to the stomach to make it in case it's wrong/not the absolute best I could be making, but not sure what the absolute best could be/fear that I won' be good enough.

Well for anyone else experiencing this, all I have to say really is What are you so scared of? After you gone through the exhaustive mental list of the why you aren't good enough it helps a bit to respond with fuck it and What do I feel like right now? Like right this second in your current circumstances (or in ideal circumstances, what can't be overcome?) what do you want more than anything? I feel like that can be easiest. All the unnecessary falls to the side and the truth can be seen with crystal clarity. Personally, I try to be true no matter what the cost. Sometimes our vision get a little clouded.

Just now I had been on the phone to a trusted friend whom I confided in to express the doubt clouding my vision. One, of which was my ability as a medium. Shortly after the conversation, I had the opportunity to give some guidance to a woman through a sort of mini reading online and I was absolutely dead on, with the few pieces of info and guidance I had to offer and I almost didn't do it due to my own self doubt and restrictions I had been imposing on myself. Maybe this post will be far more significant that a string of words on a single blog, within an eternity of content that is the internet, maybe this can be the first formal agreement with myself, with the readers self, to no longer let the monster doubt cast a shadow on the life you've been blessed with.

I would tell myself that I'd continue to build my alternative modelling portfolio and burlesque dancing once I lost lost some more weight, that I'm not good enough to do tarot card readings professionally, that I'm generally not talented enough to write or continue my blog and that I should cancel my plans to move to L.A. because people are trying to dim my light thinking it'll make theirs shine brighter. Fuck that, no more.

I've always been so sure of myself and rarely dignified negative comments from others by allowing it to fill up my thought space, so why now? Just because I decided I didn't want to be a scientist and now seeking the life of an entertainer, performance artist and writer? Leave the sociopaths to their lonely, crippled mentality; We are now free!

Quick! run, scheme, believe, have faith. I've got my eye on you (Not really, I trust that you can effectively fulfill your hopes and dreams without a merciless tyrant keeping watch.)

Thanks for listening, stay tuned and be humble my pretty starbabies. XxXx